Letting It All Out

Learning to Stop Stuffing My Feelings

Often, growing up in a dysfunctional family, emotions can be the enemy. Sadness, frustration, worry, or anger can invoke a powerful and negative response from our caregivers. We may face punishment, shame, or belittlement for displaying these emotions. We are also disempowered by being told that our emotions are dramatic, inappropriate, or uncalled for. Adults who were more than likely completely unregulated emotionally were the ones dictating how and when we were supposed to feel and express our emotions.

And it wasn’t limited to the heavy emotions. When we express joy, happiness, or wonder, we risk having those things taken away. We risk being mocked or attacked. Letting others know what brought us joy made us vulnerable. Positive expressions made us even more vulnerable than the negative ones because we were in environments that thrived on negativity, and happiness, joy, or even gratitude threatened the status quo, bringing others extreme discomfort that compelled them to squash it. We learned to hide any happiness we felt, so we could protect it.

“We have ‘stuffed’ our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).” ~ ACA Laundry List Traits

When I first started my healing journey, I approached everything analytically. I studied the books, the program steps, and the things said to me. I broke it all down to determine how it applied to me and what didn’t apply to me. I was trying to be strategic in my healing to make sure I got the most out of it.

However, I was also completely missing the point because I was refusing to allow myself to feel any of it. One day, a fellow traveler asked me why I refused to let myself feel sad, and I told him I was afraid that if I started letting it out, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I felt the constant weight of sadness, grief, and anger. It sat on my chest, making it hard to breathe. It rested in my gut, making me nauseous every time I ate, but I continued to hold it in because I didn’t know what would happen if I let it out. It was like holding a wolf by the ear.

At that time, I was still actively watching my life fall apart. Everything I thought I would have…What I used to refer to as my “white picket life” was gone. I had a strong vision of what I thought my life would be, and when that disappeared, I didn’t know what to replace it with. I had no Plan B set aside somewhere just in case. I had been fully committed to Plan A, and now that was on fire right in front of me.

I was clearly depressed. It was probably one of the hardest years of my life because I knew I wasn’t being the mother my kids needed, but I also didn’t know how. I spent a lot of time lying in bed, completely numb and devoid of energy. I cried a lot, but not for the things I needed to grieve and process. I cried because I wanted to just be okay and be the mother my kids deserved right then in the moment. I wanted to show them a strong, independent version of their mother who could handle anything with grace and love. I wanted to take away their pain and bring joy to their everyday lives.

I wish I could say I had a magical moment of awakening when I realized the secret to being okay was letting out all the things that were keeping me from being okay. I wish that had been as common sense as it sounds, typing it out. I’m not actually sure what happened. Maybe all of the emotions finally got too big to hold in anymore, but I started being honest about how I felt. I allowed myself to be sad and angry. I allowed myself to tell people why I was sad and angry. I allowed myself to cry and yell and feel overwhelmed by my emotions. I shared the negative circling thoughts that kept me awake at night. I described to others the nightmares I had. The more I shared these things, the less they held me captive.

I also learned to share my joy, my happy moments, and my successes. It took me a long time to fully embrace this, and I still have my moments. I still have that tinge of feeling that I want to keep my joyful moments to myself, so no one tries to ruin them. It’s taken me a long time to learn that no one can ruin my joy and happiness unless I let them.

This year has been extremely challenging so far. Probably the most challenging I’ve had since the year my marriage ended. I’ve gotten stuck in negative thought spirals. I’ve felt overwhelmed by anger and sadness. I’ve felt betrayed, and I’ve felt like it was happening again. I felt like I had finally embraced a new vision for my future, only to have it ripped away again.

Here’s the difference: I’ve been going through it out loud. I’ve done nothing to hide the way I feel. Even when I’ve isolated for a day, I’ve told my people that I’m overwhelmed and isolating. The result of that has been that I’ve continued to work at my full capacity. I’ve continued writing. I’ve continued to consistently show up for my kids. I’ve continued my healing journey by attending meetings, practicing meditation, and staying in touch with my support circle. I consistently found moments of joy amidst the chaos. I feel stronger than I ever have before.