No Really... Thank you

Appreciating the negative state people

I was at a meeting this weekend, and there was a conversation regarding things and situations we need to let go of, which turned into a conversation about people we feel we need to let go of. Someone shared a sitation with someone who is consistently negative regarding a particular topic, and they felt it was important to limit or eliminate that person from their life.

While listening to the converation, I asked this person if they ever stopped to consider what they were grateful for having that person in their life. I didn’t say it to be reprimandy or condescending… I meant it genuinely. Through my letter writing project, I’ve come to learn and fully accept that people who have come into my life have been teachers for me whether the lesson was a positive one or a negative one. It’s up to me to be open to the lesson.

Leo Buscaglia wrote, “Don’t avoid people who create negative states in you. We have a tendency to turn around and walk away, but they are going to require you to reevaluate yourself and see yourself in a new light” (p.108).

This thought may seem contrary to having boundaries and protecting your peaace, which are important. However, we want to be mindful not to create boundaries that are so thick and protective that they block us from growing and learning.

I have a personal conflict with “trigger warnings” while I appreciate not wanting to blindside someone with startling information, I do not believe triggers should be avoided. Being triggered mentally and emotionally allows us to feel and better understand the wounds we still carry and gain insight on how to heal them. I believe a trigger warning is meerly an opportiunity for me to take a deep breath, center myself, and then move forward. Too often I see people using trigger warnings as a means of avoiding things that may be hurtful or difficult.

For a long time, I used boundaries as a means of shutting people out. Exclaiming that I was protecting my peace with my actions made it all justified and the people around me supported my decisions…because who doesn’t want to protect personal peace, right?

I’ve slowly (VERY slowly) learned that if I heal those wounds constantly being triggered, I can be around people who trigger them while still maintaininng my peace. There are people I chose not to interact with or to limit my interaction with. However, if I do run into them or have a situation that requires me to interact with them, I can maintain my peace. I might get a flustered or anxious, but I’m not losing my shit, which used to be pretty common.

There is one such person, who is in the perifial of my circle. This person is related to people I am extremely close to, and given life circumstances, cutting them out completely is not a viable option. I was extremely hurt by this person, and it would have been easy to exclude them from my letter writing project. However, that would not have been true to the spirit and intent of the project for me.

Here is an excerpt of my letter to them.

Dear Instrument of Existence,

Thank you for helping me see how truly amazing my family is, and for giving me a new perspective on the value of coming from a “circle the wagons” family.

As I write this, I’m still feeling the confusion and anger of your actions. You were malicious for no reason. You were manipulative and two-faced. You weaponized any scrap of information you could get your hands on to hurt me and those I love. I sat down to write this letter and couldn’t figure out what to write because the sting of what you did is still vibrating under my skin. Then thoughts of my family started flooding my mind, and the contrast became vivid.

~~~

What am I trying to say?

I’m trying to say that your actions have shown me, in greater detail and with overwhelming emotions, how much I love and appreciate my family. They have been a foundation of support since the beginning of this healing journey, and I can’t express in words how much they mean to me.

P.S.

Since first writing this letter, I’ve come to accept that you sincerely fall under the “(unhealed) hurt people hurt people” category. What you did actually had nothing to do with me, even though I was the one you attacked. You were angry and lashing out, and I was an easy target at the time. I’m not excusing what you did; I’m just acknowledging the hurt, angry little kid I see when I look at you. I’ve learned to stop living in the pain you caused, so I suppose that’s in the ballpark of forgiveness.